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Choosing a profession

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named Phil and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't have a clue what he wanted to do, and didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his desk; a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey and a Playboy magazine.

The old preacher then says to himself "I'll just hide behind the door, and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK; but if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that horrible magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.
"The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps entering  the house and whistling and he headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave spotted the objects on the desk. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm, dropped the silver dollar into his pocket, uncorked the bottle, and chugged a big long drink as he studied the details of this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a pilot!

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head Fable


Forget the traditional Potato Head story: here is an uncensored tale about a young potato head getting a lesson on the facts of life from her Mr. & Mrs. Potato parents.

Read it and enjoy!

You know that all potatoes have eyes.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one: a real sweet potato whom they called “Yam.

They wanted the best for little Yam by telling their daughter about the facts of life.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head warned her about going out and getting half-baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, or ending up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

The daughter said don’t fret, because no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her!

But she also said that she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

The young potato head would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato advised she should watch out for Indians of the old “Wild West,” because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to “Idaho P.U.”

P.U. stands for Potato University where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she’ d really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Rush Limbaugh.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato fainted, because they said she couldn’t marry him because he’s just a commontater!

Being Green

Checking out the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, “We didn’t have the ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”

The young clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.” She was right – our generation didn’t have the “green thing”’ in our day. Back then, we returned milk bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over.

So they really were recycled. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that the public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But too bad we didn’t do the “green thing” back then. We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn’t have the “green thing” in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 200 volts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from there brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But the young lady is right; we didn’t have the “green thing” back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up the engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right’ we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn’t have the “green thing” back then. Back then, people took the street car or bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family’s $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the “green thing.” We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the “green thing” back then?

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